thank you -

i really am trying. i thought i was ok or had dealt with it.

theres sorrow and anger, disgust and pain. theres a lot more too. sometimes i feel strong, like i did it - i got over it. sometimes, not so much. then the self doubt creeps in. then i become frustrated with myself for allowing these feelings and then its like i surrender to the thoughts and relive it all again and say goodbye to any progress i made.

this is the worst its been in a long time - the memories and the feelings. im trying to remain calm, trying to focus on other things, trying to remain positive. there are times i fail..... its a viscious circle.

i do not wish to be a victim yet i recognize i am at times still. sometimes i creep back to my mindset at the time and will not question the actions nor the words, but accept i was to blame.

sometimes i feel like i want to not be here so its all done with forever, and sometimes i want to scream as loud as i can. how can people not see me and the hurt? this is a foolish thought as i dont let people know.

its up to me and me alone to get off this current ride. if i cant disembark and move forward once and for all, what am i doing? isnt this a waste of a life, of energy and of my soul?

why am i wallowing in this waste? isnt that the question to ask myself?

thank you for listening.

take care.