duchess thanks for the thoughtful reply. Knee still bothers me at night, seems when i lay down it just starts throbbing and if i get up and walk around a bit it gets better. usually it is just a few hours a night though... that other night was unusually bad and kept me up all night.

i've been kvetching a lot about my friends and the truth is for the most part i am more upset at me than them. most of them are really excellent people, very sensitive and unafraid to face things like this and help. the problem is that most of them have their lives wrapped up in other commitments, and the ones "related" to me are very far away. the ones close are largely part of a very warm community but i'm on the outskirts, they are devoting their "helping" skills to family or spouse or personal things. the people i've specifically done stuff for have moved on to rebuilding their lives, as it should be, i never expected they would have the time or energy to support me even though they are appreciative of what i've done for them. i always thought of it more of a karma thing rather than "payback"

i've ALWAYS believed in "the world is what we make of it" and a large part of the time and energy i've invested helping friends get through rough times has been devoted to getting them to believe that. i was hoping that i set a good example by being physically present for them, listening and supportive, and helping them to see and execute options rather than having a "why me" or attitude or giving up. in a lot of cases most of their other friends abandoned them in difficult times and i wanted to show them that there were people who would invest time with them. show them they were worth it and that the abandonment was about other people's failings and not something wrong with them.

i think my big failing was that i never cultivated those personal relationships for my own sake. helping everyone "move on" leaves you alone, and the friends i have now are quite probably of the same mind as i am but, as i said before, their time is invested elsewhere. i always just assumed that if i needed anything (and i suppose i never thought i actually would need anything) that people with the time and resources would just show up like at the end of "Its a wonderful life". i know that's not how it works but knowing that doesn't make me any less angry or bitter. and the few people who are close by and i believe do have some time to help me, their the few who have disappeared and that is just the icing on the cake for me.

i do have some very close friends who were in town for christmas. i usually go to their family's home for holidays but i haven't been able to for awhile due to the arthritis but mostly the depression. their visits have become stressful because of all the pressure they put on me to show up, they seem to take it as an insult if i can't make it. this visit, the first since i've been in the hospital, they didn't put as much pressure on (well, they did, asking what time they were picking me up instead of asking if i was coming, but when i stood firm that i couldn't make it they did come to visit me instead). the visit went well and i was glad to see them and they asked me a lot about what i was suffering and admitted that they didn't understand much about it. they had read my paper on depression but i don't think they did any research past that. i was happy that they were making the effort but then near the end of the visit they made a joking comment that i needed to do something to "get off my butt"... a thinly veiled criticism that really crushed me. they obvioulsy think i'm not working because i am lazy and lack of going to work that is "making" me depressed.

i keep feeling more and more as if all my bridges are burning behind me. "i don't feel like i can get through this without the support of people to help bear the load, and if i do get through this i don't won't be able to enjoy life without friends to share in the victory" i feel like the little red hen.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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