I can't help but wonder if there are women out there like me who's life begun to unravel once they turned 40. It was like a small piece of thread that once it began to come undone it had to no end. Through the course of many years of therapy it was suggested to me that it was highly likely that my father was a narcissist. It was also suggested to me that I put all the energy I could into becoming "educated" about this personality disorder. So, I did. I was astonished about what I read and learned and the more I learned the more I read. It explained so many things, so many things that for years I thought was me...my fault...if only I hadn't done this or done that, if only I was good enough, pretty enough....daddy would love me right????

NO! and not no but HELL NO!!

So now, after a lifetime of emotional and physical abuse I am left to pick up the pieces of my broken life and make some sense out of all the trauma and chaos that has been a part of of my daily life for 40+ years. I remember the total and complete sense of peace I felt upon realizing that I wasn't crazy after all, that there were reasons for all of what I had experienced. That was the closest I think I have ever been to heaven on earth.

Then, once you I learned all you could learn I had to begin to fill in the bottomless pit that was created in me by the upbringing that I have had at the hands of a madman...

Someday, should I live long enough I may be successful in filling that pit and instead of tears, anguish and sorrow, I will fill it with love, joy and happiness...then that pit will no longer be a pit - but a sanctuary for my soul and I will no longer hear the chastising voice of putrid hatred and disgust. I will no longer feel my body tear, bleed or bruise...

When at last I succeed in creating my sanctuary that little girl who hides in the corner of my mind who is so terrified still will once again be free to come out to play in the sunshine - to love and dance and play

that little girl will know the essence of real love, compassion and empathy...and most important of all she will know the depth of her own worth in this world.

Love to any of you who have suffered and survived

Jaime,
Survivor