I am not quite sure how I feel at the moment about it. So much to process. I handed him my revised write-up, and the first thing he said was, "I don't see the "you" statements you're referring to"...That helped me feel that he was in defense mode. But he retracted quickly and said that he won't focus on that but rather the overall message. He also made a comment that he didn't see how he wasn't remorseful. He asked what I wanted to start with, and I couldn't decide. He asked what my goal was for this. I told him that I needed to be heard and understood. He said that it was very clear and that he understood.

Apparently, that wasn't enough. So, I asked him if he had feedback. He said, "I thought you just wanted to be heard and understood"...and I said that apparently that doesn't feel like enough. I told him that I was struggling with the Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde aspect of it - and the inconsistency - and that I don't know if I am ok with that....or how to be ok with that...or if I can be ok with that.

He went on to talk about how he can't promise the level of consistency that I seem to want - and said stuff about him not believing in experiencing transference and counter-transference - but rather that it is a real relationship where he is affected by his clients, think about them outside of sessions, respond to them outside of sessions, think about ways that he can further help them, and that he is affected, more than a therapist/client - so his reactions are real, and that it is not his nature or character to be detached. I told him that I felt that it was terribly unbalanced. He asked if what I mean is that his reaction to me may be ok from a friend or family member, but not a therapist. I said yes, and that he is my primary support which made it very difficult to endure. We talked briefly then about how it's no surprise to either of us that I need to work on building my support system. He then said that a different therapist that can provide more consistency is what I may want or need.

I told him I didn't know how to make it better. He said that maybe that's not my goal right now. I told him that I didn't want another therapist. He said that wasn't what he was suggesting. I told him that I knew that and was just making a statement. He said that maybe, for right now, we can see how things evolve - and that the trust may not be there, and that I may be guarded - and that it's understandable and ok - and that we can let the relationship evolve and see where it leads...and in the meantime, work on what I can with him that I feel is "safe".

I told him I wasn't happy about this, especially right now when so many difficult things are going on. He understood.

*sigh*

I don't know. I guess I was hoping for more compassion and some reassurance of his caring....but maybe he did give that in his explanation and I'm just not hearing it. Maybe during my next session, I will ask for that.

We then started talking about my ex, and the upcoming court date, and strategies, etc. He was my typical T, and that was ok. Since I have court on Tuesday early afternoon, we scheduled an extra session for Tuesday morning - in case I need that extra support prior to court.