Steve,

Have you had someone significant in your life, leave or abandon you before? May I ask if you are adopted?

Your fears of losing her, seem to be the root cause of your controlling behavior. Recognizing any problem is always the first step in solving it. You could subconsciously be trying to push her away, because that way you still have control, that is, you pushed her away, instead of her leaving.

Obviously, she loves you, or she would want to just separate, so there's hope.

Your issues of wanting to control, appear to be triggering your wife's childhood issues, of being over controlled by her grandmother.

I only have life experience--no psychological training.

If you can find a good counselor, he/she could help you through this situation.

Jane