Sigh, I'm sorry you are in this dilemma! IMO, you are feeling so unsafe with yourself, and that's a tough row to hoe.... If you can, try and think not about GOING to the hospital, but how well you are doing without having to go.. yes, hospitals are not for long term, but only to keep you safe while you plan with your T a long term way to stay safe, and to begin you on meds... it sounds to me like you have both those already...

if you keep intending on becoming worse, and going to the hospital, then you probably will. . . it's not really that you want to..but are programming your mind to... it's ok it if happens, but if you can pull some positive thoughts... that would equally help.

You querie about whether or not you should be nice, and controlled... I can assure you that you will only gain grief if you "misbehave" while in "lock up." Isolation rooms exist for patients who do not control themselves. sigh. Beyond this, maybe you can talk with your T further about WHY you feel you need a safe place to "act out" and not be a nice patient?

Nurses and doctors are there to help keep you safe. Taking anything out on them (anger at life, etc) only slows your personal progress in healing.

I hope you don't have to go... but if you decide to, that it will give you time to stablize on your meds. TC