Well, Im back heading in the right direction. Just thought I'd share, not sure why but the urge to share is there so here I am.

Two days ago had a major break-down (fall back, episode, what ever one would call it). It started like "right now". One second I was fine, going about my daily routine when all of a sudden a massive head ache, audio and visual hallucinations hit me like a mac truck going way over 70 mph. I started throwing the dishes I was putting away at the mosters coming at me, the voices all around me were so overwhelming I just started screaming. Luckly I was at home and my family was right there. I remember trying to run out of the house. I just wanted away, not sure where but away from everything. I remember them trying to keep me calm and indoors, but it felt like they were trying to harm me. My husband made several attempts to medicate me, but I was totally convinced he was poisoning me. It's strange to remember back to this. I don't remember everything about it, most of my memories comes from the family telling me what happened the next day. But I still hold the memory of the feelings of complete fear. This was the worse I've ever been in years. My husband said he wasn't sure if the usual medictions for episodes was going to be enough and was able to get in touch with my pdoc and was given instructions on what extra medications to give me, and if that wasn't possible to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. Luckly he managed (he's a big guy with determination) to get the medications in me, and keep me confind to an area that I couldnt hurt myself or others untill the medications took effect. Looking back at the medications he gave me, I cant believe I even lived through it all. I recieved Zyprexa 20mg, Ativan 5mg, and seroquel 600mg. After I calmed a bit with approval of the pdoc he gave me 2 extra strength vicodin for the head ach that wouldnt go away. Even with all that I still remained awake...zoned but alert. But after about 4 hrs I finally slept.

Today, I sit and look at all the bruising and scratches on my body wondering why would anyone want me around. Most of the bruising is from me trying to get "things" off me, but some from the family trying to keep me confined. I look in the mirror and not sure who Im looking at anymore. I've cried most of the day yesterday and even some today. I feel I'm "ok" in a sense that I'm me again, but I just cant get over the feelings of all the harm, hurtfull and terrible things I might have said and done to the family. My husband reassures me that all is fine, he and the kids still love me and they are happy I'm home and not in the hospital. He is a true believer that one heals better in the comfort of their own home then in some strange enviroment.

Seen the pdoc yesterday and no medication changes. He feels this is a rare event and doesnt want to make any medication changes. He did say that if this occurs again or more frequently he will make some changes, but feels right now because I'm functional and able to work he would rather not change anything.

Thanks for listening (reading). I've written and erased several times and I still not sure I want to post, but here I go.