Thanks Everyone.

I have recently come to the realization that although I have been "dealing" wiht it for the last several years, it seemingly is on a very superficial level.

What I mean is that I keep going to therapy and sort of skirting the issue without really allowing myself to feel, or breezing through books like "the courage to heal" without ever really allowing myself time to digest or think about whats going on (im extremely good at distancing myself from what I am engaging in). And of course, I will be ok for a time, but every time i end up falling back into it again.

So, I am starting over, and making myself go one step at a time even if it feels like I just want to get it over with.

Call it trial and error if you will.

What I have been doing hasnt worked, so I'm trying something else.

Latelt I feel the need even stronger. I suspect its because I am finally in a good relationship with a very nice man nothing like my father at all. In the past, in relationships I have acted out and totally fallen apart at the seams, either clinging hopelessly to someone who was abusive somehow, or detaching completely from them.

Now that I can see how good Cory is to me, I realize that if I don't deal with some of this junk It could cause major problems. Not to mention it obviously effects me on a basic level as well.

I dont want to always feel like I have to take a vigorous shower before engaging in any sort of intimate activity, and then another after to get clean.

I dont want to feel abandoned after any intimacy when the person i am with goes so much as four feet away.

I also do not want to always make the associations that are ingrained in me with sex, and intimacy, and even love.

I'm sick and tired of pretending that he did nothing to hurt me, when in fact he did.... I'm tired of being tough to the point of falling to peices over an argument and ending up in a little ball on the floor talking in a childs voice shaking with fear...

And most of all, I'm tired of always hiding for fear that someone will see the ugly side of me, or no, not so much the ugly side, as the not so perfectly kept side.

So, When I stumbled across this forum I decided that this looked like a Nice Comfy Place to take off my mask and show my face.. although I'm going to still hang on to the mask in my hand, if thats all right with all of you

Just in case it gets scary.
If It seems like I am lurking sometimes, Its not because I dont want to participate but only because I am working things out in my head.

Thanks everyone

((((everyone))))