I am so confused. I used to go talk to my counselor at school, but never actually got to any of the 'real' issues.. then I didn't have that interaction at all once I was out of h/s and then a few months ago ended up seeing a counsellor at the clinic at my universit... but the experience wasn't too great I would say. I was very reluctant to open up at 1st but then did, and felt very vulnerable afterwards. he made sure to tell me that I wasn't being forced to talk to him which I know but he brought this up A LOT which made me feel like he could care less whether I was there or not so I might as well not be. I have issues anyways thinking that someone else is more 'deserving' of therapy than I am...

he would always ask me the same standard questions in regards to my ed and si and relationships and I would just say something along the lines of "the usual" or "bad" at which point he did not ask for an elaboration, even though deep down I had just had a week of bingeing & purging, cutting, feeling depressed and not being able to concentrate.. as much as I knew he understood on some level I desperately tried to appear "put together" and "okay" and wouldn't tell him how bad things were and how they were actually getting worse. it was like I was fighting this image of me needing help.

he wasn't too experienced in general but I guess I was more passive than trying to get anywhere. at times it was very akward (silence) and then at other times 50 min didn't seem enough... I just hated that feeling of being vulnerable. he would say things like "why don't you do activities to enjoy your body", "go to yoga/take a bath".. I understand what he was getting at but he would give me no support how to get there and my problem was much bigger than just 'taking a class' to relax, and even if, you can't just tell someone "find ways to feel better about your body", leave it at that and expect the ed to clear up!!! if it would be this easy I wouldn't HAVE an ed.

so here's the problem: I am trying to get in touch w/ this new T which would be the first 'real' time that I'd be in therapy but I am dreading having to open up, feeling vulnerable and am scared the same thing will happen all over (me getting worse!). what can I do to not fall back into this cycle? how do I even begin to trust this person? how much do I open up- everything or just bits and pieces???