Hey everyone! I've been looking for some advice on this topic and haven't found much, so I'm hoping others have experienced the same thing and can give me some feedback. Sorry my first post is so long...

I knew my therapist for a couple years, first in the hospital, then outpatient since summer 2009. I saw a few therapists before her but never felt a true connection. With her, I was able to be completely honest and the relationship helped a lot in keeping me out of the hospital. With her help, I was able to stay out of the hospital the entire time I saw her OP and the relationship meant a lot to me. I trusted her with a lot of things and brought up issues with her that I never told any one else. I was able to cry in front of her and I could tell she cared.

I had my last session with her about 4 months ago. She moved away and gave me a good while to process the transition, but I knew how much of a loss it'd be and it was extremely difficult. She was my support and I depended on her for her insight. I always looked forward to our sessions. There were a lot of tears during the weeks leading up to the last hour and I dreaded saying goodbye. I wrote her a long handwritten letter telling her how much she meant to me, and I gave her a mini handmade book of quotes and specific things she's done to help. I think she was sad, too, but she deliberately stayed in her clinical role. It's one thing I hate about the therapist-client relationship - therapists really can't say how they're feeling. In our years working together, we never had any type of physical touch, but I wanted a hug for closure. It took some courage because I was afraid she'd say no, but I asked, and she said it'd be ok.

I think it was the best hug I've ever had in my life. I hate hugs and I don't like touching people. But this one was so sincere. I reminded myself to try to remember everything, smelled her perfume, said another "thank you," and then it was over within a few seconds. I could've stood there forever. I don't think I've felt so much through a hug before. As much as I wanted her to say how she was feeling, but couldn't because of her professional role, she said with the hug. I knew that our relationship meant something to her, too.

I miss her and I know I will never see her again. I'm able to give her updates through e-mail every once in a while, but it's not the same as the intimate one-on-one time. I've been seeing a new therapist since she left, but my new therapist is not her and she can't be replaced. I've been able to open up with my new one, so I've talked some about missing her, feeling abandoned, etc. but I feel bad at the same time. She's nice and I don't want to make her think I don't like her. She's not a bad therapist, she's actually really good, but it's a different connection. I'm pretty sure they were/are friends outside of the office so she probably misses her too.

Although it's great that I can keep her updated on my life, the responses I get back from her are a bit disappointing. They're short and pretty professional and leave me wanting more. I know the messages must stay professional, especially since we're not working together anymore, but it's very frustrating letting her know how I feel and not knowing about her. I’m very well aware that boundaries are in place for a reason. They’re there to protect the patient and so the relationship stays therapeutic. But what happens when there is a real human connection and it’s just cut off? Isn’t that more harmful? It only reinforces my lifelong belief that nobody cares about me. It shows me that even though I liked her and felt comfortable telling her anything, guess what? I will never know how she feels. I feel like the stupid one for feeling vulnerable and trusting her. I've considered just asking her (how she feels/felt) but she probably wouldn't let me know. I'm the type who hints at questions and waits for the other person to answer, while I know she waits to be asked specifically.

I'm so desperate to hear her tell me, "Yes, I care about you and I didn't want to hurt you. I miss you too." Why is it so terrible to say it back? I know we're not friends, but she isn't a robot either. We're supposed to view our therapists as human, yet they can't fully be human. It's not fair for either side. It's been months and I still miss her. I worry that she's forgotten about me already. Sometimes I think I'm doing well but then something pops up and I wish she never left. It's especially hard feeling sad because I constantly tell myself that she was "only" my therapist, and that I shouldn't be so emotional. Recently, I've had a lot of dreams about her and other treatment professionals, so she's been on my mind a lot. It's unusual for me to miss anyone and I'm not sure how to deal.

How is it possible to move on from the relationship? It's unlike any other relationship and so advice about other types of break-ups doesn't help. I keep hearing from the rest of my treatment team that what I'm feeling is normal, but it's such a foreign thing to me, it doesn't feel normal at all.