...don't feel bad about not cultivating those relationships... I did and am in the same place as you. Don't know if that hurts more or not... each of us has a bottoming out spot and it doesn't matter what it take s to put one there... and I'm there. It never helped me to know I wasn'tthe only one in my situation/frame of mind. In fact, it makes me feel worse that God wouldn't just dump it all on me since I was already miserable and he made others , like you, also suffer. No reason for that. I also have ptsd which accounts for much. brain chemicals they say. I don't care what it is... if I feel and think the way I do... call it a rose for all that matters... I haven't been able to work for 17 years due to an injury... which has caused the ptsd and depression and a multitude of physical pains... just thot I'd leave ya a note.