I hope it's okay the way I tell my life story..little bits at a time. I guess it makes it easier-not quite so big. It took me almost a year to tell my T. I'm not quite sure why it keeps coming back. T says sometimes you need to tell it more than once to take away it's power and each time you tell it, it addresses a different level of the pain. that is my goal here..to diminish the power and let it go, I don't want to hurt anymore

After spending the summer in day treatment, I had frequent bouts of self-harm that landed me in hospital on and off for several months. I never really made progress because I took back all my secrets and remained silent. The beginning of October I was put on the adult unit because, " my extensive self-harm was negatively impacting the more vulnerable clients" That was scary to say the least, 13 and locked up with a bunch of adults.

Another patient, Steve, would tell me stories about what he wanted to do to me. He would come out of his room in the morning saying he needed his psychiatrist right away because he wanted to rape someone... he touched me and always managed to get his hands on me just outside the staff's view. I never really thought that was SA until my T told me it was.

I had to sleep in restraints because I was a "threat to myself"

My roommate would expose herself to me and just say horrible things. I was so alone and helpless

I spent my 14th birthday on that unit...tied to a bed, waiting for Steve to come and rape me.( he never did anything more than fondling) The fear of it was enough...

The following January I was sent to a State Hospital. I spent 18 months there. The irony (probably not the right word) was the girls unit was full of victims of SA and the boys unit was full of offenders. We went to school and activities together. I've often wondered who's idea it was to put victims and perpetrators together and call it therapy...

Little things happened with the male clients, nothing horrifying, just enough to convince me that this was what my life was and always would be.

that's all I can say for now