I've been dealing with abuse all my life, till I became a child of the courts. I didn't deal with physical abuse, but I was neglected and verbally shot down and broken, by my mother and father.
I thought the day I started off on my own would be the last day of my troubles. I was wrong.
I moved in with my boyfriend, who is my husband now, and we were so in love. He was the best guy I ever knew, and we got along great. I knew he drank more then I ever would, but I did not let that bother me.
Well as time went by he began to change, he became controlling. Then when I was pregnant with my son, he began to verbally abuse me, and when he was really mad he would squeeze my arms. I didn't think anything of it, I knew he had a hard time dealing with all my hormones.
I had our first baby, and everything was great again. Then I discovered I was pregnant again 3 months after our first baby was born. I don't think he was very happy about that, he blew it off with oh well, well just get married.
So we were married before our second baby was born. During that pregnancy my husband began to be cruel, he would say the most hurtful insults, even when I did not deserve them. He called me stupid everyday.
I had our second baby. Ever since I've had our daughter, he's been drinking alot more. He drinks almost everynight after work. I never say anything because he works so hard.
Over time his abuse has been getting worse. He'd get frustrated, and squeeze my arms. I'd have bruises on my arms, and would have to hide them from my sister and mom.
I tolerated this because he's a good father and a very hard worker, but it got worse and worse, and last night was the worse of it.
Last night I decided I was fed up with being in the house, I hadn't seen the outside in like a month. I grabbed my car keys, and he took them from me telling me I could not go. I became furios, I knew he spent all our gas money on beer, so I began to poor his beer into the sink, saying give me my keys, and I won't poor your beer. Well he didn't listen so I poored out three beers.
As soon as he seen I wasn't just pulling his chain, he turned on me.
He threw my keys in my face, pulled my hair, and punched me everywhere you cant see.
I was shocked because he had never done that to me before. I had my baby in my arms, and I didn't think he would hurt me if I was holding her. But he didn't stop, and my 22 month old was watching.
I should have ran out of there afterward when I had the chance, but I am weak. I have no where to go. Maybe I deserved it and it was my fault, but my kids didn't deserve to see it. All I've ever wanted is to succseed at being a mom, and I'm failing.
I'm weak, but there's a fighter inside of me, i'm ready to break loose, but I have to find the courage to leave and be on my own.
What would you do?
I needed to say this, I know it's very personal and I probably should not say it, but it's eating me alive.
Desirae