Well, Malachite, you asked a good question. I have the same need(s) as you do, and my very, very long-time wife does not. And her three years of therapy have convinced me that her habits are not the result of depression or any other mental problem. It's just the way she is: a slob.

So. I clean up what I want to be clean whle she's watching television. I clean the dishes and the pots and pans and counters and floors. And I'll tell you frankly it's an escape for me. It's a wonderfully mindless form of constructive employment that relieves me of the necessity of spending all my time thinking about how to make a living.

Women have all kinds of ridiculous (and I do mean ridiculous) hang-ups about taking care of a house. Being a man, I don't. So if it bothers me, I just clean it. I do my own wash (and would do hers but she wants to do it herself every six months) and vacuum the house. And I don't feel put upon. She has her own troubles. And no, it's not as if she were working; she's not. But she's very old, and we've been together a very long time, and everyone just needs to do what they need to do. She does cook dinner. As they say, for what it's worth, since she cooks the same things over and over and over again.

Perfect marriage? No. But I really do think that if you live together long enough, and nobody's actually beating up their spouse, you adjust to these kinds of things. They just seem less important than they would have thirty years ago. Oh yes, back then we went at it hammer and tongs: anger, rage, yelling, screaming, etc., etc., etc. But we never went "over the line" that leads to separation and divorce. We do really care for each other.

I was you, I'd think pretty hard about whether this person was the kind of person I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I wouldn't base that decision on how much housework she does. Do you really love her? Does she really love you? In the long run, that's what counts. Not who does the dishes. And keep in mind that it's 2011 and if you get divorced and try to find another, better wife the possibilities of that other woman both working AND doing all the housework are real, real low. If you make enough money, you hire a maid. If you don't, you do what you think needs to be done. Take care.