Argh.

I won't see T this week, because I am out of town, so I am going to post here to get support, wisdom, whatever.

I have had a friend who has been my closest friend for quite a few years. Her boys are the same age as my oldest son, she homeschools too, and we just connected.

Over the years, I guess the friendship became kind of one-sided, with me doing a LOT of stuff for her - helping her clean out her house, driving her around, taking care of her kids. My H kept pointing out the pattern, but I really didn't want to see it...or maybe I thought it was okay, because I wasn't ASKING for anything, really. I don't think.

She is a VERY angry person and can turn on a time. She always used to tell me "I will NEVER get angry at you", and she really was very protective of me. If someone was mean to me, or slighted me in any way, she would get super mad at that person. And since I'm horrible at that, it was kind of nice to feel like someone was looking out for me. She never confronted anyone directly, but hearing her say "they shouldn't have done that" was helpful to me. I guess that's what she did for me.

I know she is angry at me now, but I'm not sure why. And she is VERY black and white, people are all good or all bad, and I know I'm in the all bad camp now. I woke up at 4 this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She hasn't been talking to me, returning my messages, etc....I thought she was busy, but I realized she never would have done this before.

I don't know if she's angry because I'm not as available to do things for her as I used to be, or if it's something else. But I'm pretty sure the friendship is over, and it feels bad I sent her one last message saying that if I did anything to hurt her, it was unintentional, and I hope she will forgive me. But, just knowing her personality, this is probably it.

I think I always knew it was coming. And I think I was replaying a mom thing...like hey, this person is angry at people, but I can do things for her, and she is nice to me, and protects me. And it FAILED. AAAAAAA.

So, I was up for about an hour and a half in the middle of the night. When I fell back asleep, I had a dream. I was outside a church, thinking about going in for the service. All of a sudden people said "make way for the Queen" and someone was pushing the Queen of England in a wheelchair down the aisle. She was just making an appearance. And I thought "oh my gosh, how lucky am I to be here right at this moment?". Everyone had gone in, so after the Queen went by, I was walking around and there was a partially finished Renoir painting, and I realized Renoir was there and had gone into the church. And I thought "OH my gosh, I can't believe this - first the queen, and now Renoir - I am the luckiest person ever".

I woke up feeling better, although I'm not sure what the dream meant. Maybe that I have everything I need already. Maybe that my connection with God is a gift that will get me through. Maybe it was about grace, and the fact that it will be there when I don't expect it.

Anyhow, I'm leaving town in an hour and won't see T and I actually don't know how I feel. Sad, or scared, or resolved, or okay. Or all of those.

A little blah, I think But I prayed and prayed that I wouldn't let it ruin my vacation and that I could stay in the moment and enjoy myself, and that's what I intend to do. I just WILL.

Thanks for listening.