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i thank you all, firstly, for sharing what you share here. i normally dont say too much here.
i dont think im looking for feedback, maybe i am.... i just feel like i need to get out some thoughts, to ease the pressures on the brain! and im not sure this is the correct location to put this either.
i wonder why i question myself continuously and my emotions and thoughts so much. i think i know the answer in a way as it all started out in our childhood (or for me it did) and whatever experiences we endured or enjoyed. certainly, from that point our perceptions and thoughts were either altered or continued to grow correctly or incorrectly. perhaps some of us have struggled with things since, various challenges on the way of this life journey. we are all very different, yet we do all feel similar pains and hurts.
i often question the choices i have made in life. some have been foolish and i suppose its only looking back (and I'm NOT over the hill!) that we realize what mistakes we have made. part of that is just life i think. and even with saying that i still hold huge blame for allowing myself to be part of certain negative situations, how could i have been so blind and ignorant and foolish to put myself in such a predicament?
i also feel at times that our life is predetermined. even though we make the choices, they were already made for us, so to speak. things turn out one way or another, its destiny (and i dont wish to get into beliefs etc. here at all) but there have been times where ive thought about certain instances and really felt like a certain thing happened for a reason. its an interesting concept for me. it doesnt mean i believe in it 100%, its just interesting to entertain.
this doesnt make things okay. abuse is not okay, nor other things we have endured. i wonder if all is ultimately preplanned for us, do we make decisions or are we following a predetermined path to which we are completely unaware?
so at what point can we accept these choices, and not negatively reflect on them. at what point can we forgive ourselves and work on building our self esteem and realize its not and hasnt been our fault, even though it still seems like it. when will i completely understand that the childhood stuff was wrong, it wasnt me that was wrong. when will i completely understand that the adult abuse was wrong, it wasnt my fault either? i dont have an answer for these questions. in times of clarity i can question myself logically, other times it is much more difficult to attack questions and thoughts without falling down into a dark hole.
my journey through t, only a couple of months old, has been an eye opening one for me. in many ways i was completely green, having no clue. i went for one reason and a whole host of other things have since surfaced that i realized i had never dealt with and which i needed help with. these things are very painful and very difficult to revisit. hopefully over time i will be able to work through these things finally and come out the other side a more complete being. there have been times recently when ive felt like I just wanted to run away and not revisit things, its very difficult.
perhaps the farther along i travel, the flashbacks, the images, the bodily reactions will cease. i wish for the day that I can arrive at that point. i wish for the day i can feel happy and confident, enjoy my own company and that of others, for the day that i no longer worry about every single thing, to be open to people and trusting of people, to have more pleasant dreams and ultimately to live the life i always wanted to.
take care all.
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