I never talk to my brothers, but last week I needed some validation about my abuse so I called my youngest brother. He did tell me he remember how badly I was abused, so that helped me. The conversation didn't go well at all after that. He eventually asked if I hated our mom and I said that I did hate her. He got really angry at me and said that I needed to get over it and stop holding a grudge against her for something that happened 40 years ago. I said, "I'm not 40, I'm 37!" I don't know why that was my response to him. I was just very shocked and hurt and didn't know what else to say. He told me that he had sat down with her some time ago and told her that she was the worst mother on the planet to us. He was partially raised by my aunt. Neither of my brothers were sexually abused, but they definitely were emotionally abused and physically abused by our mom. She would punch my brother in the face with her fist. She would have him up against a wall by his shirt with his feet dangling. It was horrifying to see her angry.

She just called and left a voice message that my brother had told her what I said last week. She said that she was still my mom and that no matter what I say she has always apologized. Whaaat?!?!? Is she serious? She's never once apologized to me. Then, she said she loved me and that maybe one day I'll be able to love her back. Excuse me, that will never happen. This is a woman who abused me and allowed 100s of men to rape me and now I'm just supposed to say, "Awww, she apologized, just let me get over this." I have a virus and physical damage from being raped and now I'm just supposed to let her off the hook because of some lame apology she mustered up to cover her guilt ridden @$$? I'm sorry, I'm really angry.

I am so, so hurt, right now. I have therapy at 2 o'clock tomorrow and I can't wait to see my T's face. She's a place of refuge for me right now and seeing her face and hearing her voice will help me a lot. She gives the best hugs and I so need one, right now. Thank God I see her twice a week. Thursday's session was extremely hard and I know tomorrow will be even harder. But, my Super T is so gentle and gets me through it very well. Can you tell I adore her?

I have my hot glue gun and my woodburner tool plugged in because I was working on some craft projects and all I want to do is slice through my leg with the woodburner. I'm that upset. I used to SI by cutting and haven't done it in years and years. Lately, the urges have come back really strongly and this voice message from her has made it worse.

I'm so sorry to bother you guys, but I'll take all the hugs and love that you can send my way. Please tell me I'm okay and that I'm not a monster.