i know i haven't been around here much lately, but life has been difficult. i wish everything was ok. i wish my partner wasn't so broken. i'm sorry if this gets difficult. please only read if you feel ok.

last week she got in a big car crash. she flipped her car and once she realized she was upside down, she had to break the glass of the driver's side window to get out. she hurt her hand a bit but she survived. more or less. she is really mentally struggling with this too, though. there was another reckless driver that scared her and caused the crash, but somehow she feels to blame.

i am also a bit freaked out. she called me just after i got to work and was freaking out. all i knew was that i had to go get her. she sounded in crisis. i left work immediately (thanks to my nice boss). it took about a half hour to get to the scene, and by then the cops were there and they were getting her car towed. she was sobbing in the back of the cop car. i am just glad she is ok.

i took her home from there... but along the way, something bad happened. i knew she was feeling bad about the accident. she always thinks bad things are her fault and she deserves it. well, when i was driving her home, i noticed she was switching a lot, and the other that was around isn't anyone i know. well, not personally. i know that she has another alter that is mean. it isn't one of the core people i know. from what i have read about, it seems like an introject. it seems like the voices she hears. like her dad. it's evil. it hurts her.

suddenly i heard a really terrible voice telling her how bad she was and that she deserved punishment. he/whoever was hurting her, punching her face over and over and telling her that she deserves to hurt and it's her fault and she is bad. i know she doesn't deserve this. between the times that alter was out hurting her, she was back feeling scared and hurt and sad. she said she was sorry. she was injured more from this scary alter than the accident itself, and that was so traumatic anyway!

it's so hard for me to see her hurt. i still don't understand this part. it's hard to see how she is switching back and forth between such a hurtful part and her scared, sad self. i didn't know what to do, but really all i could do was be there for her and get her home safely.

now she is feeling so depressed and scared and agoraphobic again. she is extra sad about how broken her face looks since it reminds her of how she was hurt as a child. i hate to see her hurt, she doesn't deserve this. this is the first time that i've heard this alter say terrible things. it was a different voice. she's told me about the voices in her head before, and i've known that there is some dark part of her that we don't talk about. this other part is different than everyone else. i just wish i could help more. she doesn't deserve to keep hurting. it's always been wrong, and it's still wrong for her to hurt this way. she doesn't deserve it. she is so depressed and feels like this world isn't worth living if everyone out there wants to hurt her. she feels like she is bad and deserves everything bad that happens, but i don't believe it. i just don't know how to help.

i love her. it isn't fair for the pain to continue. i wish i could keep her safe from herself. i wish i didn't feel so alone. i feel like no one can understand the drama in my life. it's really deep and difficult stuff. it's not even her fault. there are so many terrible people that have ruined her life and now she has to deal with the trauma's effects. it's so hard. i wish i could make it go away.

thank you for at least letting me get this out. i have no one else to open up to. i dont know how to keep this to myself. it's so hard. our lives are not normal.