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I agree with this. I feel left out a lot because there's a large group of PCers who've got a buddypally thing going on. And I'd hate to be a new member now. I don't even like being around PC that much because I don't feel like anyone even knows I'm here.

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In the very beginning, I used to post around here alot. It happens in spurts, it seems. Some of it is from moods or stress, but I get stress from being around here because I'm not part of "the group". Sometimes I do feel like an outsider, like I don't belong or that the folks let me in the room here but I am one of several left standing alone in the corner. I don't enjoy my time here as much. I used to make alot more supportive posts in replies. I have more trouble getting the words out now. I am tired of seeing the same things happening all the time. The same people getting hugs and replies, and I am often lucky if a post that I make gets one or two replies. The posts that get the most reaction out of people are ones that mention something really serious or legal. The "best" time period when I often got more replies or hugs was last winter when I had that guy stalking me. (Of which, by the way, he has been back in my life again since the order ended a couple months ago.)

Over the past year, from one birthday to the next--just yesterday--I was the recipient of 4 to 8 hugs (replies, excluding my own of thanks) in Kudos a total of 6 times, not including the happy birthday ones. Everybody gets a mention there at least once for birthdays. The stats: 12/18/05 (8)happy birthday, 10/22 (8)for my rotton life, 08/22 (4)for me and my car, 04/21 (4)for me and naming the dancing baby, 04/14 (4)cause I have a tough life, 03/19 (4)another for my bad life, 02/26 (5)for hard life, 12/18/04 (8)happy birthday.

The most active period was between February 26 and April 21. Coincidence: stalker and court timeline. Then nothing until August. How many people are {{{{{{hugged}}}}}} in there each and every week? Or sometimes more than once a week in different threads?

I am probably posting too much and letting too many feelings out about this right now. I am sure that I am venting some. I have held my thoughts and feelings in about this subject for sooooo loooong. I am afraid to post, "can I have a hug", because I have learned by now that "nobody (or hardly anyone) will bother (to read/post/hug)anyway". I also HATE to specificly ask for things like help and support. I wasn't allowed it as a child, so now as an adult even though I want it, I am still afraid to ask. Its the same when it comes to accepting help that I very truly and desperately want and need. I was so afraid of the consequences of asking for and getting help. My father was very threatening about somebody learning the truth about what went on in our home. To this day, no matter how *badly* I want and need help, even if it is offered, I am fearful of accepting what I was always denied.

We all come here get support--it's a given that we should want offer the same. I know that we all do. I think that everyone needs to remember to include everyone. If you read a post, even if you don't know what to say, simply posting {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} is something and acknowledges care.

I try to break the cycle of how I feel about being around PC and think more positively sometimes. I do want to be more involved and part of the group like I used to be. But like I said, I just don't enjoy being here like I used to. I still *love* the site! But its not the same for me. And so I am quiet. I don't really care to reply anymore, even when I want to. I don't always post when I have an emotional crisis and really need the support.

I am sorry that this is so long, and for the content, but I don't want any one person here to deny that things like this happens. All the posts in this thread are very favorable, but I need to post this as a confirmation to myself that it might help to make a difference, and that no one will feel left out. I hope that I didn't post anything wrong. Certainly telling my feelings is right, and after all this time they are surely coming out. This post is not the kind that I am used to in expressing my feelings about something here on PC that affects me in such a way. I am going to seriously hate the time after I hit the submit button below.

My biggest, most heartfelt kudos and thanks to {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{fayerody}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} for her reminder.