Hi swell. You sound as if you are suffering from huge past traumas. Do you see someone? The reason I ask is because it's very hard to get an accurate look at yourself when you are suffering so much. As for your brother, I'm so sorry. But you must see how shallow he felt inside despite being alluring and popular. You have a special strength. You wrote to us. I too, know what it is to feel half alive. And the fact you reached out to us lets me know that you will grow stronger and find your way. PROMISE! But first you need to get up and running. Work on yourself enough to be fully present for your future relationship. I can speak from experience that if you had a woman now, your past would interfere with your relationship. (It's also very distracting to focus on what you want when you are in distress)
Please today take a look at the things you ARE. You don't treat women with distain. You care for your parents, that means you honor your responsibilties. A man you can count on.