Even though my T is so accepting, gentle, and nonjudgmental, I'm panicky about talking to her tomorrow. It's one of those subjects--you know. I don't want to go into details or put a trigger warning on this. I already emailed her that I'm embarrassed about something on my collage. I know I have to talk about this subject more. I want to. But I keep visualizing how it will go, and I see myself becoming more and more embarrassed, and I hate that icky, sweaty, blushing mess I could become. I think that's why I never cry. I can't stand being icky. But if I don't talk, I'll feel worse.

I'm so good at telling others to just "jump in" and I can usually do that, but I don't know how I'm going to do it this time. My T will probably want to "talk to" the part that is afraid first, to let her know it's all right. She will reassure me like she always does. But I still don't want her to see me struggling for words and looking a mess!

I realize this is what therapy is for, and it's going to be messy. But I hate messy.