sometimes the anticipation is more painful than the reality turns out to be. maybe it won't be as hard or bad as you are fearing right now, rainbow!
I remember some sessions recently where I had this OMG feeling and then when we talked about it I was like, oh, that wasn't as worst-case scenario as I imagined it would be! not that it was always easy.....but the way my T handled it made it easier.
and I understand about not wanting things to be messy and about not crying....I don't cry either because I don't to be a vulnerable mess!