Sometime in January I started noticing mixed episodes and or rapid cycling. It's so hard to tell when I look back on it, even reading my journal. I know that the holiday season from mid November to xmas was very depressing, but I think that was all situational.

February seems to be nothing my mixed rapid irritable brain mush. I am not sleeping. I am afraid of things. I feel like staying in check, keeping it together is a full time job on top of taking care of my 5 month old, on top of doing a lot of the household stuff and all of the cooking, bill paying, etc.

I want to go back on meds but my prescriber won't prescribe until I wean. For me, formula won't happen in this house. My son already has sensitivities and I think formula will make them worse. Weaning to formula will make me feel like a failure. Most importantly, I don't even think he'll take it. He wont take a bottle of breast milk since my husband and I have tried that in order to try to give me a little break.

I can't switch prescribers due to staying with this therapist and all that procedural bureaucratic nonsense. My GP won't prescribe me a mood stabilizer even though I asked, she want's me to do that with my pysch.

I just don't know what to do and I'm at the end of my rope. I got a massage yesterday which was nice and I use all my coping skills when the demands of a 5 month old allow me some time. My prescriber seems to think that because I stay at home I can spend the day with a paint brush in my hand swaying to new age music and indulge in the soothing coos of an infant, but it's really not like that!!!! I have no support from family and no friends to help.

I don't really know where this post is going...so here it is, I guess I'm just frustrated.