I really miss my friend. I know that must sound awful but I really do. It's almost worse knowing that we have feelings for one another and not having him around than it was denying those feelings and hiding behind the safe mask of friendship. ALMOST...I really feel like my marriage is over and if it is possible for my friend and I to have a relationship after it would be beautiful. I want so much for my son to be able to be raised in an environment that would be as loving as the one created by two people who were truly happy with life. If not then at least he showed me what a true connection is about...I can never lose that. My husband and I were never close friends, never really close at all. We met in high school, did drugs, partied, had sex, I got pregnant, we moved into together to raise the baby, got married and I don't ever remember being completely satisfied in our relationship...it was always "soon things will be better" I don't think I even really realized what exactly it was that I was missing in our relationship until this friendship gradually progressed into what I wish my marriage was more like. Knowing now how it feels to share with someone my emotions, my hopes, my fears, share interests with them, have things in common and grow in each others interests all of these things, however trivial they sound, I simply do not have in my marriage. My husband does not even understand what it is that we are missing anymore than I did and he has these other issues to deal with from his childhood as well. I've tried to share it with him but I can readily admit that I don't have alot of patience and I so when I open up to him and he scorns me I withdraw deeper again. And the sheer fact of the matter is that when it comes right down to it we don't have alot in common now. He says though that if I were truly dedicated to working on our marriage that I would have dropped this friend before I decided to file for divorce and I think that maybe he's a little right...maybe my heart was never really completely in it, maybe I just don't have faith that we are compatible. I don't think this make me a hideous person just maybe someone who needs to be a little more in touch with how she feels and a little more brave to act on those feelings. He also says that he has been unwilling to do anything to improve our marriage because he sees no point so long as I am looking for emotional support elsewhere. But this existed long before this friendship even began...the thing is that I know what I did was wrong but I know I didn't do it maliciously or really even consciously and I dont think that being having been wrong neccesarily makes him right. I think we both did wrong. Myself in not recongnising, ackowledging and acting on my feelings sooner and he by using my friendship with this person as an excuse not to work on his own issues or the issues of our marriage. I know that a good, lasting marriage takes work, and is not always perfect (my parents have been married for almost 30 years so it's not as if I've never been exposed to a good marriage) but if we had no emotional bond to begin with what is the basis of our relationship...how can we get counseling to restore something that was never there to begin with? I wish I could change the way I feel but I can't and he hates me for telling him that I have these feelings about this friend but I think that being honest with him about my feelings was the right thing to do...