Wow, first time writing in here ever.

Things could definitely be better right now. I've been clean of everything for over year and a half, but now.. I don't know if it's the holidays, or the feeling that I'm not getting anything out of my therapy, or something else... generally feeling quite sh*tty... and now...after all this time ..when occasionally I didn't even remember the want anything... I'm still going to go to the pharmacy tomorrow and buy synthetic morphine based cough medicine (I already know that neither me or the -15 celsius temperature outside can stop me ), and a friend even promised that he'd get me some really good e.

It's not the actual use i'm afraid of, naturally I'm not dreading feeling better, but the consequences... What's gonna happen if I do this again

Nothing good, I know.. But I just don't know how else to survive