My T and I had a bargain, that if I felt I was going to cut, I would call him anytime day or night. I finally agreed to do it. It has been 5 weeks since I last SI. I could feel it coming on like a freight train, and just knew
It was probably going to happen. It's like a power takes over me and I cant slow it down. I called him. He was on his way into Home
Depot. Now, he could have not gone in, or if he was already there, not continued to shop while he tried to talk me down. I lost him on his cell twice. An that opportunistic urge took me while I sat there alone for only 1 minute waiting for him to call me back. I cut, told him sorry when he called back but it was too late. We talked for a little while afterwards,
me sitting there dripping with blood. I think I was pretty much hysterical
but I cant remember it all, I disassociate. After he asked if I was going to
stop and replied yes, we ended the conversation.

I was reluctant to committ to this arrangement as I was afraid something like this would happen. I would call at a bad time. He would be unable to stop me. We would both feel bad about it.

What I needed was someone to keep a continuous connection with me while I was going through this and try to get into my head. I felt like the lifeline was not there, he was checking out at the cash register and guess he thought he had time. But, I warmed him before how quick it happens.
Shouldn't he have not gone in the store, or put the wood back or left it for a while until he had dealt with my crisis, and not take the chance that we would be disconnected, even for only a second? I don't want to be upset with him, but I feel he should have done more. He called me the day after, and said he was going to call me today but I haven't heard from him yet. I have my regular session tomorrow.

Should I be upset with how he handled this, or be thankful he took my call and tried to help? I'm too upset with myself, so maybe I'm directing some of this anger towards him?