***Trigger- sui***

My T and I are still struggling on but I don't feel I can continue any further. Things are just getting worse and worse. I fell back into suicide ideation and behaviour on Friday and Saturday. On Saturday night (she doesn't do phone contact on Sundays), across several text messages, she (spontaneously) wrote 'I promise it will be ok on Monday, I will stay close to you and it will be ok... I will make sure everything is ok on Monday... we can agree set times and text each other... I will be with you on Monday I promise.'

I honestly believed her. I clung to the promise all of Sunday. It is now the end of Monday here. None of that happened. When I pointed this out to her, she said she was trying her best. I said it was hard to understand why her 'best' is so different from before, and that maybe I needed to adjust my expectations. She said "I don't think that you being critical helps with me becoming more in tune. My best depends on how busy my day is and loads of other factors". I didn't feel I was criticising but trying to point something out. I understand if she had a busy day but I don't understand why she made those promises if she didn't feel confident she could follow them through. I feel like she is saying that I am responsible for how she is being with me. I feel like she is saying that for her to be attuned, I have to shut up and gratefully accept any crumbs she throws me. I feel like she doesn't want to reflect or change. Basically, I feel like she just can't be bothered with me anymore. I can see that we are trapped in constant arguing, but I do not know how to move us forward. I am relearning the lessons of my childhood we had been working so hard to undo- I will not get what I need, and it will be my fault. There is no point in asking. My feelings are ridiculous and make no sense. Learn not to hope, not to believe.

I am in terrible terrible pain. I am grieving my partner (who moved to Australia, and with whom my relationship is so difficult) and the life I thought we'd have. I am grieving the relationship I had with T. I am trying to manage all the other triggers. My life consists of dragging myself out of bed, standing back against the wall so I don't jump under a train in the underground, going to work/uni, coming home and weeping and writhing in bed in pain. Some nights, I drink to try to ease the pain. On bad nights, I head to the tram tracks by my house. Every day, the contact with my T exacerbates the pain one hundred fold. I do not feel I can stay in relationship with her because the pain will kill me. But I know if I leave, I will die anyway. There is noone else who can help me and I am not well enough to help myself. Please can anyone help me?