Improving, I can understand why you'd feel that way about the hospital; you have good reason! I have no desire to go to one either....I've seen my father in one and that was enough.
May I suggest that, to stay safe, you stay away from places like the tram tracks.....stay in a safer place than that, or a find a place to go that would perhaps be more gentle or soothing. Come here, and stay with us!
Maybe it's time to ask your T if she feels your relationship is worth saving and if she thinks there could be healing, and if not at least she could help you search for another? Or help you have closure? Grief needs a sense of closure, or acceptance, I think.....you can't stay in this limbo.
I will be with you.....