Swell, the last statement you made said it ALL! *Maybe marriage isn't for you*

What you've described as the "perfect" scenario for you is very idealized.
(One perfect trusting/trusted woman and the two perfect kids that you come home to with open arms, etc etc.) I'm married and I myself wonder why anyone thinks marriage is the obvious conclusion to loving another person and creating a family. It does have it's positive attributes (mostly legal ones) , but the drawbacks are much more emotionally damaging in my situation. I know you're down and I don't want to drag you down even further, just know that in this situation, baby steps may take longer over time, but running might kill you.

There are alot of ahem, *longwinded* folks around here and plenty too that need a word or two for encouragement. Put your bag down and take your shoes off and make yourself at home here. Talk to people. You may or may not get a response every time, but at least make that effort and you've already taken the biggest step toward coming out of the dark silent house. My favorite "break the silence" habit is playing my favorite music LOUD on my iPod. Today it's Mumford & Sons "Little Lion Man" Let us know how you're doing.