I've been in therapy over 10 years with my t, and yet i am not healed yet. In fact, i'm seriously starting to worry that maybe i'm a person who literally is too messed up to heal. Could that be possible? I ask because my t is a super good, skilled, committed t -- and i am very committed to healing and try very hard!! But there is one place where i seem to be very stuck, and i don't know what to do. It has to do with working with inside parts and healing.

I'm not officially diagnosed DID, but i definitely have inside parts that are so different, their ways are in conflict to one another. There are at least 2-3 parts that feel like capable adults, and several that feel like very frightened, needy children. Whenever my t and i have started to work with these inside parts (communicating with them, listening to their concerns or pains, etc.), my ability to function goes down. I start feeling alot of emotional pain and physical sensations of extreme anxiety. I also cope less well at those times, have trouble "putting things away" after session, and continue to feel insecure and needy between sessions where i need to have more contact and reassurance from my t.

The best way that i can explain it is that delving into things (even just beginning to) sets off a physical/emotinal panic feeling, and i feel very much like an unprotected child who is in danger and needs to be protected and comforted. At times during trauma work, my t has been willing to sit next to me or hold my hand if the pain gets too strong. But what she does most of the time is encourage the adult me to rescue those parts of myself that feel child-like and in pain. It is almost impossible for me to keep both my adult self and these child parts present at the same time, and i don't feel like a strong adult able to rescue them. I just feel scared and needy, like i need someone to sit and hold me and keep me safe. Because of this, i get very frustrated with the trauma work, and with working with parts. I feel that i am being asked (rightly so) to give to myself that nurturing and stability and help that i didn't get as a child. But it feels scary and hard, and not at all satisfying. It mostly feels like i am alone with that part of myself that is traumatized, and i don't know what to do to make the pain go away. We have visualized having the adult me go back to the scene of the trauma and rescue those child parts, but afterwards, i don't feel relief. I still feel the pain of the trauma, and i almost feel empty. At those times, i want very much to ask my t to sit next to me and offer a hug and some comfort, but i don't ask because i can sense that she wants me to take care of my own self now.

Most of the time, when we delve too far into things, i end up feeling overwhelmed and then i end up going emotionally numb and my "business-like mask" takes over and kind of withdraws from everything, including connection with my t. In the end, we always go back to working on coping skills development, with my t saying that i need to strengthen my self and my ability to tolerate intense emotions.

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I guess i'm trying to ask, Is it impossible for some people to heal from their traumas? Is it impossible for some people to ever get a strong enough self of their adult self that they can rescue their own traumatized parts and heal themself? Because no matter how many times we work on coping skills, when it comes down to doing trauma work, i just can't seem to tolerate the emotions and the fallout. I end up feeling so much pain and want/need rescuing, but am being asked basically to rescue myself.

Now my t is thinking about retiring in the next year, and she is pushing me harder to make progress and move ahead. She is a super nice person, but I've been picking up on frustration from her because i am not moving ahead faster. I don't know what to do. I can't get past this point! I can't try any harder than i already am!

I am thinking about telling her to just forget healing from the traumas, because it's so painful and it makes me unstable. But it makes me feel like a disappointment and failure for not being able to heal.

PLEASE SOMEBODY, i need some advice.