(((((((Improving)))))))

You have a lot of internal pain and grief that just need to come out.
It feels like you keep stuffing it further inside of yourself - maybe out of fear that the pain will kill you? But stuffing the pain inside and trying so hard to make it each day - forcing yourself to go about the daily business of life - that is the true killer.

Bottom line is that you CAN'T continue along this line. Period.
Something has got to change... right now.

I do understand being that close to SUI. I get it - big time. Ugg.
I also know that with you posting on PC, there is a big part of you that will do anyting it can do to live. You are not giving up without a fight. And that fight=life.

But you need to address the root of your pain or it will overtake you and then it may be too late. That would make many of us here on PC very sad. And I sense there are others in your life who would also be sad. So let's address that pain ASAP.

First, you have a RIGHT to hurt because of the loss of your partner. It is not helping the situation that you are being kept on a string in that area. It would be healthier for you to cut the string and allow the loss to just be what it is. That is sometimes very hard to do though. Just saying that it looks like you are drawing out the agony by the entire situation. Rip that bandaid off and deal with the poison. You need the space and the chance to grieve this loss fully. Only when you are not being tortured by this whole deal will you be able to see what you have lost (without a false hope that things will one day return to the way you want them), well when that hits home for you, it is not going to feel good at all. But that reality and the clear truth of this situation will allow you to grieve fully. Only after you grieve this loss will you be able to not be in pain.

Next, you need an action plan. You know you want to live :-) ((Hope that makes you smile )) You WANT to feel those good things life has to offer! You WANT to be able to move forward and have a healthy life and healthy relationships.

Bottom line is that all of those things CAN be yours. THAT is the real truth.

But in order to get to where you really want to be, you need a way to get there.
Think about the things you need in order to make your life what you really want it to be. List those things and then think about what steps you need to take to get those things into your life.

Finally, I applaud your very hard work through all of this. I know how deeply you are hurting. I know how dark the night can be. And I know for a fact what it is to not believe that you can have any of what I said - because last year at this time ((with my failed - by a miracle- SUI attempt)) I also did not believe any of this could ever be mine.

The truth is that when a person hurts as deeply as you hurt right now, you just can't see the light. That doesn't mean the light isn't there though. Honest.

Keep reaching out to those here on PC who DO care about you. We may not be able to wrap our arms around you in the flesh or hold you when you cry or be who you need right now, but we are very real humans who have big hearts and who do care very deeply for you. Okies?