Ok.

The more I peruse this website and read up on what I know I DO have - Adhd and Anxiety Disorder-

The more I question certain things I have done in the past.

When extremely upset, I have a tendancy to sort of... go numb i guess. I will literally sit there and just sort of space out. Like Im still there, but Im not there at the same time.. Its hard to explain. I never thought much of it until I have been examening myself lately and my mental health.

On top of that, in the past when I have gotten extremely upset, I will end up crumpling into a little ball and crying and screaming... and talking and feeling like a little girl. Its mostly happened after agruments with exboyfriends or when I think they are going to leave me...

The other day I had a flashback that really hurt, I remember being really young, like 3 or 4.. I can remember I used to have this game where I would be mean to the cat, and then I would pretend to be "June" and be nice and "rescue" the cat.

Its kind of disturbing. Presumably I seem to remember mimicing my abusers in the fact that one minute they would be nice to me, one minute they were hurting me.

Not to mention I swear I have seperation anxiety disorder. Like, when I get broken up with IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD and nothing, I SWEAR nothing has ever hurt so much and so deep.

I know I sound confused, I dont even really know why Im writing this post.. Im just.
I dont know what I am, thats why I am writing this post.

I'm always frightened that people are going to leave me.

When I was born, I was with my birthmom until age 6 months. then they placed me with a foster family, until age 16months. then I was adopted. At age 12 I was placed in protective custody with Childrens Aid Society, and bounced from foster home, to group home to group home. At age 18 I moved out on my own.

I struggle every day because I have noone it seems. I mean, who do I fall back on? I dont have the comfy family to fall back on option, and sometimes I just feel exhausted by having to be my own parents.

Wow, what a big convaluted post....

i feel like Im on the verge of something.. but I dont know what..
Im kind of scared. Im kind of messed up.
I DONT WANT TO BE like this.

Im terrified because I have an appointment with a t. Jan 10th. Im scaredscaredscared that its going to open up a horrible can of worrms.

The last time i started getting into therapy and my childhood, I completely broke down. I couldnt work, I couldnt sleep...
I just want to run and avoid this, but I want to be better too...

I dont know I just wish. I dont even know what I wish. I just wish.