(sigh)

I wish I could get a handle on my emotions when it comes to T. Why does it have to be so intense...and so complicated?

During the rupture that T and I had over the last couple weeks, T told me not to email him anymore.

So, I was trying to respect that....although I did send him that email because I wasn't able to reach him by phone and was in full-blown panic mode.

Well, now things are calming down between us - and we both said what needed to be said. I am still processing it all, and still be ingcautious, and addressing things on an as-needed basis.

I go to court tomorrow for the restraining order with my ex, and a lot is going on. A LOT. And a lot of it is unpredictable right now. And I'm in freak-out mode over it. I did not reach out to T by email, like I normally would when I'm in such distress. There are weeks that I don't email him at all....and other weeks, I've noticed, when I email him just to have some kind of dialogue because I'm having a difficult time.

But now with the "no email" request, I was not emailing him....

He emailed me today because I called and asked him an important question for my attorney...I thanked him via email response and shared that I was feeling anxious. He responded to me, and we were both glad that I scheduled an extra session with him for right before I need to be in court....

I then sent him another email saying something along the lines of how I'm feeling badly because he asked me not to send emails, yet I'm sending emails. And that I am realizing that I sometimes need some kind of connection with him between sessions when I'm going through a difficult time and hope that's ok with him.



T responded saying that it is ok with him. He believes we have a clearer understanding of what led to our break of contact - and that as long as I bring my unhappiness towards him to him in person instead of by email, he will provide me with as much support between sessions as he can.

Of course, I realize that this can be interpreted as - if you send me emails about being unhappy with me, then I will refuse to support you. But I believe I know what he's saying here. That a lot gets lost by email communication...and I know his words in writing are seemingly less empathetic and come off as less caring. He does not like emails. I get it.

I am relieved....

But still totally freaking out about tomorrow....Wish me luck!!!