I was nervous going into the session, really really nervous. We just jumped right into it, I don't think even did the usual "how are you?" at the beginning.

So I told her all of it, as I remembered it. The things she said that hurt or confused me. The other things going on my life that contributed to my spin out. All of it.

She explained to me what her thinking was when she said the things she did. She explained that, as some of you suspected, she was feeling overwhelmed not with me but with phone calls in general. She apologized for letting that spill over on to me.

We talked a lot about our phone calls. I told her about the process I go through in deciding to call her. I told her I don't think I abuse the opportunity to call her, and she agreed. I told her that I understand that she has other clients who call her, but that I have such a complicated mental process to go through in deciding to call her, I can't and shouldn't have to also consider how busy she may or may not be. She agreed with that, too, and we talked about how I have to trust her to call me back when she can.

I told her that I would rather wait longer for a return call than get the "I have 2 minutes, starting now, GO" type of call from her. She said that she has been giving this a lot of thought and considered whether it would be beneficial to have some sort of limit on our contact, but that she decided that didn't feel authentic or therapeutic. I agree!

We talked about trust, and how fragile it is. I told her what I said here about how I had to keep reminding myself T is not my mom, I'm not a little girl, this didn't all happen before.

The other issue T was having last week was that she was feeling ineffective at coaching me about parenting issues. She said she felt like she wasn't helping, and she's not used to that feeling. She said if it IS helping, I need to let her know. That's when I started crying. I told her she helps me so much. That just knowing she's there, that I'm not doing this alone, helps. She said, ok, then keep calling me about parenting stuff too, then.

It was a long session, 90 mins, but not long enough. I didn't even get to talk about how triggered I was at having cops in my home, or how I dissociated when I was dealing with them at the er with my son. I told her at the end that there were things I didn't get to talk about, so she asked if I want 90 mins next week too. I said yes.

I can tell that T is trying SO HARD to help me. I can tell that she really cares. I know I've been learning this lesson over and over, and I'm hoping one of these times it sticks.

I felt so relieved at the end, relieved and safe and calm. We were standing, scheduling my next session, and T thanked me for coming to see her even though I didn't want to. I asked her if I could have a hug. She just opened her arms, and she hugged me so long and hard. But not too long or too hard, lol. I'm not a touchy feely person, and I don't generally like hugs. But man. That felt so good.