Hi Tina. Welcome to PC. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. I hope you have access to professional help. If things get worse you may want to consider going to the hospital to get immediate help. If you feel that close to an episode and fear acting out in a way that you don't want to then the hospital may be a wise option.

You showed courage to come here and post and ask for help. You love your family and your children especially need you very much. You know that and the desire of your heart is to not miss another day in their lives.

I so hope you can be encouraged now to not try to figure this out on your own. I hope you find the help you need very soon. Meanwhile PC is a safe and supportive community to lean on. Wishing you well.