In recent months I have been getting these angry outbursts. I will come home under stress and not have a way to let it all go and I will take it out on my boyfriend. I will yell at him, cuss, throw things, break furniture... and he doesn't understand and he wishes he did. I never wanted to explain to him BPD and now I am learning that I have to in order to get him to understand and help.

This past week has been the worst week of my life. Well, week and a half.

Last Saturday started out great. We were sitting on the couch watching television. He got a phone call from a friend and they (he and his wife and two kids) came over. We went out for a few drinks (their kids watched my son) and then came home. We were then invited to the other couples house. I was feeling as though my boyfriend and I were connecting again. We were dealing with some more of my anger issues and it was nice to "be there" with him again.

Later that night we ended up at his ex-girlfriend's house (this is from the 8th grade - two weeks - and they haven't seen each other in 20 years and only ever held hands). I felt threatened. He was acting a fool due to the drinking. I was tired and wanted to go home. He wouldn't leave. I didn't like being there. He seemed to be ignoring me and only talking to her. I felt lost and rejected. I drove home with my son. (Only 2-3 drinks...hours earlier... don't worry I would never drive impaired with my son).

When we get into fights he usually is the first one to call when I leave to blow off some steam. He never called. I left at 11p and he didn't call until 2a. Three hours later. And he was at *her* house... drinking.

When I got home I threw all his clothes into a 10 gallon rubbermaid tote. I locked all the doors and thought all the windows were locked, but I was wrong.

When he started calling at 2am all I did was yell at him. I told him not to come home because I was upset and he didn't understand why. I just kept yelling. I told him to stay there because he wasn't wanted here and so forth. I didn't know he was on his way home already.

Imagine my surprise when he came through the door of the living room. I was angry and upset and I started yelling some more. I kept telling him to get out of my house because it was obvious that he didn't want me as his girlfriend since he had told everyone earlier that we were never going to make the mistake of getting married ever again.... so why was he there.

I sat down on the couch and told him to get out of my house (peppered with expletives of course) and that I hated him and that I never loved him and that he was a piece of crap for not realizing that he had hurt me.

He tried to sit down next to me but there was no room on the couch, so he kind of ended up sitting on me. He was trying to hug me to tell me that he loved me and he didn't understand why I was so angry because he didn't want her... he only wanted me. I felt threatened and bit him. I bit him hard. I left a bruise. I left two bruises because I bit him twice.

I don't like it when people get up in my face like that when I am freaking out like that. I get defensive because of past abusive relationships. When I get angry and start to yell and throw things he will usually try to come up to me and hug me and try to tickle me to make me laugh... anything that will snap me out of it. I misread his intentions.

He tried to get me off of him and ended up punching me like 3 times... in the face. I had to get two stitches in my eyebrow. He wouldn't let me go to the hospital because he was afraid that they would come and arrest him and that he would get into trouble. I called 911 from my hoodie pocket and hung up on them.

Finally he let me leave. I grabbed my son and we headed to the hospital. Three police cruisers passed us so I turned around. I was afraid they would do something to hurt my boyfriend. I felt so lost and so confused. Everything was a blur.

Now my boyfriend is sitting in jail. His arraignment is tomorrow. He realizes that we both need to quit drinking.... he is going to go to AA because he has had issues with his drinking before... not towards women but in general. He wants to quit. I will quit to support his endeavors.

The bad thing is that I forgot the first couple of seconds of the argument. I blocked out his telling me that he loved me and to quit yelling at him and that he would do anything to make me realize that he does love me and that I needed to clam down. That is why he "sat on me"... he was trying to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I had the negative reaction and flipped out. I told the cops that I didn't remember but last night I finally did.

Is this what they call dissociation? It took me over a week to remember... I couldn't think why he would just sit down and do that to me. It didn't add up at all because he isn't like that at all.

Also, is there anything out there to help with anger until I find ways with therapy to be able to deal with it better? I've been pretty much through all the anti-depressants and they didn't do a thing for me. I heard about seizure meds working, but I was wondering what helped you guys before. I see my T next Thursday ... I see my C this coming up Monday... DBT therapy isn't an option because it is scheduled during my school time.

Why do we do these things? How do we make them better?