I went to see T today. With all the snow we have been getting I've been seeing her every other week (by default). I told her several weeks back that I wanted to be less dependent on her and less needy. She suggested when I was ready I could do every other week.

Today in my appt I first told T that I did ok during the two week span of time but a had a few bad days and reached out to my online friends I also told her She said it seemed that I've been able to handle things well as there were no crisis calls. I told her I'm going to miss therapy. If I'm having a bad day I know I'm going to see her and I feel better - I'm going to miss that.

Today I was just so happy to see my T. I feel like I really love her (not in a crush sort of way but as someone who has been there for me and has helped me). I didn't feel like talking much about things that I felt uncomfortable about and I told her I wanted to talk about it some other time. I just wanted to be in her presence.

At the end of the appt she asked me what I want to do and I told her I would see her next week but the week after I would skip. My mind was telling me it's time to leave your therapist but my heart was saying no. I left my appt feeling like I had a chat with a friend not my therapist (because I didn't want to go to an uncomfortable place).

What I wanted to say to her: I missed seeing you last week and I love you. I was going through a really hard time for a three day span and I should have called you but I didn't. If I could I would hug you right now. I'm so happy to see you.

Why I didn't say that to her: I feel like she is getting sick of me already. In the first appt I had with her - she mentioned being focused on short term therapy - solution based. Not a person going for therapy for years and years. - and here I am three years later. I don't want to disappoint her so that's why I said I would do an appt next week and then I would go every other week. Because that's what I think she wants.