Quote:
Originally Posted by onlymedid
I almost dissociated in T yesterday. I have been seeing her for 3 years and for the first time I almost dissociated right in front of her....something I have never wanted to do because I don't want to scare her.
She could tell I was starting to have a hard time staying "present" so she brought out a game that I like to play, but it wasn't helping.
I was starting to think about someone from my past that abused me and I couldn't get him out of my mind. I was playing the game, but wasn't totally there. I told her and she asked me what I needed to stay present, but I didn't know. She brought out her chocolate tea container that she always has in her office because it usually helps when I get anxious, but it didn't work.....I started slipping.
So....she held out her hands for the first time. I was hesitant to reach out and grab them, but I did. As soon as I did it was like a whoosh of feeling came over me. It was weird. I grabbed her hands really hard. She asked me about my safe place...the beach. I went there. We talked about the sites, smells and sounds. It brought me back and I felt so much better.
I have never been that far gone with her and it scared me. I don't know why it scared me so much, but it did. I didn't want her to see me like that. I know that she has dealt with DID and dissociation before, so it's nothing new to her, but it's different because it's ME.
Anyway, is anyone else afraid to dissociate in front of T or have you had a hard time doing in with T and what has your experience been like?
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Ive never been afraid of dissociating during therapy. probably because I didnt know I was DID until after I was in therapy and my therapist saw me dissociate, which in turn is what made my therapist suggest psychiatric testing.
but once I was diagnosed and after my therapist, psychiatrist and I had been working on things for a few years and I was able to notice things, I became self conscious "after" I came back from where ever I went and alters popped out. it was like where do I put my hands now, what do I say, Im still sitting here so I know it wasnt the wanderer alter, shes looking at me what does she want me to say about this..LOL
eventually my therapist noticed the coming back in front of her was a bit un nerving for me so she would make excuses to leave the room or get busy so as to allow me to pull myself together. LOL
it took a while but I was eventually able to get past that initial coming back uncomfortableness and being self conscious about it.
