Thank you so so much lovely PC people . I read this thread on my phone in free moments during the day, and it felt so comforting and helpful.

Today had ok moments. My mum came over and was quite caring and supportive, which was great, and we did some nice distracting activities. And tonight I'm staying with a friend, so at least I'm not on my own. I'm trying to hold onto knowing that I can feel better when I'm distracted or engaged in other things, which is great as this hasn't always been the case when things were very bad.

Contact with T has been slightly better today, but I'm still reeling from last night's coversation. She basically told me that this is all happening because she is not meeting my needs, and she is not going to change anything to meet my needs; this is a 'developmental stage' and I should be able to tolerate it 'after all this time'. When I tried to describe how at risk I felt, she told me to 'get some sleep'...

I see her tomorrow. I had two ideas for our session. She and I have both talked a bit about trying to 'wipe away'/let go of what's happened between us recently so we can start building up a connection again. Today I bought a white board and a wipeable pen to take with me, and I thought we could both honestly write down everything we want to leave behind (for me this would be: the times recently I've felt very hurt by her acting out of character, feeling like she can't be bothered etc... for her it might be: feeling like nothing she says is right, feeling hopeless about saying something helpful etc), and rather than getting drawn into more discussion about these events/patterns, we can literally wipe it clean together and replace it with a skilful plan of ways to make our communication more effective.

The other thing I want to do tomorrow is really try to focus on DBT skills. In the past they have made all the difference between being in pain (which is just a result of my circumstances) and actually suffering, and since we stopped doing DBT I've definitely fallen hard into the 'suffering' pit. I want to get T's help with specific skills I can plan into my day to try to make things feel more bearable.

Thank you guys for all your help. Not feeling so alone makes all the difference.