I told my T we had to talk about that subject so we did. I don't want to write all the details but it's about shame from the past. We've already talked about it before but there's a lot to say. It's not exactly trauma but it may as well be.

She wanted to do EMDR about it so we did, but with my eyes closed this time. I didn't feel well before my session but I managed okay. I have a terrible headache now and am not feeling so great. But I did it! I told her some things I consider "messy" and I felt "messy" but I feel good about it now. I didn't cry, though. She said I did "wonderful" but she always says that!

At the end I felt a little disconnected from her because I hardly had a chance to look at her for the entire session. We didn't get a chance to discuss "love" much. I got the idea she'd rather I'd just like her rather than love her but she said she didn't say that. It was confusing because this took place while I was writing my check. She offered to hug me so we did.

It was more important to talk about the shame stuff than my feelings for her. I know that but it still leaves a little void. She did disclose something about our fit being good--something about herself, and I liked that.

She has it planned where we're going the next few weeks, all with EMDR. So, it was good. I'm sure I'll process it more by tomorrow or the next day. I feel like this is what I need to be doing in therapy but I've only done it in spurts. Now we're focusing in on it. I'm not so scared anymore because my T keeps reassuring me that's all right to say anything to her. She wants me to do this work with her. Like I said before, we're a team.