I had an aunt that lived with us for a yr when I was about 10, my adoptive fathers sister. There were times she stepped in when she saw me being mistreated, and I just loved the woman, I mean L-O-V-E-D her!. She died when I was 13 and it broke my heart.

Recently when I talk with T she keeps saying she is thinking about my aunt, and how she fit into it all, and then tries to get me to remember what I felt like with her, and I can remember her as being so kind, well I thought she was a saint, but looking back she was probably just a regular kind humabeing but compared to what I had been used to she stood out as saintly.

Well again this week T mentioned her and I sat and said I remember I felt like a little girl when in her company, I never felt like that with my adoptive mother, I felt like a dirty rag someone had thrown on the floor with her and we talked somemore and I begun to feel pressured to remember my aunt, and I felt myself getting irritable and when I got home I emailed T and said I think I feel as if your pushing me away, by wanting me to remember my aunt, and that part of me is crying "but I want you"! and T replied saying she understands that but perhaps in remembering the good I had with my aunt I will be able to have more of T also?

I still felt a bit resistant to that and also surprised by just how much I have forgotten about how I felt with my aunt, that by blocking out the bad some of the good gets blocked out too. But T is right, If I continue to block out the bad feelings of the past, the good go too and with that the being able to feel the good now. But theres something about being afraid to remember any of it really!