yea. I had a good grandpa. I know I used to get excited when he came, and I know he used to take me for walks and play his violin. But I can't for the life of me remember how I FELT with him. For me it's because it is a feeling, I don't have feelings about the crap I endured I am numb, so as you said numbing out the bad stuff has also robbed me of some seemingly pleasant memories.