Hi,

I met a guy a few months back. We fell in head over heals in love. I had NO intention of falling
in love with him. I could clearly see from the first date that there was something not right with
him. But I saw this vulnerability in him, this HUGE need for love that just melted my heart away.
I felt compelled to give him ALL the love in my heart. My intention was to walk away after I'd
done this *one time/one night stand.* But he kept calling me back. I just couldn't stay away. He
opened up the most tender part of my heart... and there it was... all for him...

He’s been alone for most of his life. Living as a loner and a MAJOR miser. He said his last long
term relationship was 10 years ago and lasted 4 years. I don’t know that I believe he even had
THAT. I don’t know that his OCPD has allowed him to attract AND retain a woman or that HE,
himself has the social skills needed to develop a relationship. The latter, I can clearly see he
lacks so I doubt he’s had many opportunities. Then comes me... empathetic, tender-hearted
insightful sucker for the underdog I am...

Come to learn he's got ALL the classic symptoms of OCPD. I didn't see it at first. I knew there
was *something* not right, but it's not until recently that I've learned what *it* is. We've spent
the last few months playing the push me away-pull me back game. Actually, HE'S the one
who's played it, I just went along for the ride. As I said above we BOTH fell deeply in love. So
how is it that on SO many occasions this man tells me he wants *other things* after showing
me this HUGE love of his?

He’s getting to an age of reflection, the age where the clock begins to tick and you assess your
life and start to panic over all the things you have not accomplished. He’s never been married
and the thoughts in his head prior to meeting me were, “I want to get married and have a
child.” His *ideal* is to do this with a younger blond-blue eyed babe. He met me and I am NOT
his ideal. I'm a babe though! Just NOT the one he has envisioned. But love is love I think. I was more than willing throughout this relationship to let his
mental issues NOT have an impact on my decision to stay. I figured I love this man completely
unconditionally. I decided I was going to follow my heart. But every time I did, and every time
he reciprocated that love, he likewise withdrew it, stating he still wanted those *other things.”

My question is, does he really??? Or is this the *wall of defenses* he puts up as a means to
keep control over the situation (his feelings,) and me? Mind you, we’ve separated twice in the
few months we’ve been *together*. The first time lasted 10 days. I initiated the contact back. I
was simply confounded over HOW could he possibly mean what he said about just being
*friends?* We ARE in LOVE with each other!!! What??? We will NEVER *just* be friends.
What’s between us is TOO deep. He was SO glad to hear from me, relieved even. I could feel
it and hear it in his voice. We got back together and I could FEEL this intenseness of feelings
coming from him. He actually *shook* and took HUGE deep breaths because of these feelings.
He was in a panic the whole time. This was also the first time I was privy to what it was that his
*issue* was. He paced, washed his hands, prayed... over and over again... But still, I didn’t
know it was OCPD. I knew nothing of the difference between OCD & OCPD. I only fell more in
love with him after that, the empathic sucker I am. Give me a vulnerable man and I’m all over it.

He loves me bad. We saw each other a few more weekends. During this time the love was
reciprocal, albeit, with the good old *flat effect* on his part. But it was there in his own way, just
the same. Now I know it was a *flat effect*, before I thought I was getting *mixed messages.*
So, we got back together and it’s all good, then he pulls the old *I want other things...* again. I
mean we were in a social situation where his *ideal* flashed herself in our faces. He nearly fell
apart. I nearly wanted to vomit. What happened to this love between us??? This time I left for
a month. During this time he MUST have been through literal hell. When I saw him again he
looked as if he’d aged 10 years. He also was on an additional med for his *anxiety*. I KNOW
this man loves me! I KNOW how I feel about him. But I don’t know that this love is enough to
get us through. I don’t know if I can trust him. He’s certainly caught up in his rigidly held belief regarding the *ideal* he created in his mind. An ideal that most likely will NEVER come to be realized. He's got TOO many issues. Finding the RIGHT woman to accept him as he is probably a once in a lifetime event for him. Is
this love enough to break the barrier regarding the OCPD ideal?

My question is, can he really mean he wants other things when he feels this HUGE love for
me? Do I have anything to fear in that regard? Do people w/OCPD just walk away from their
feelings so easily? Whenever we’re together there is magic, pure magic. Deep and tender love... How can anyone walk away from THAT???

Love is blind. I mean he is SO not for me. I’m a responsible adult with children. He knows
nothing about children, he’s like a child himself. That just happens to be something I adore
about him. But in reality, this part of him just doesn’t fit into my *real life.* That of being a
mature, responsible, adult - mother. At first I had on my rose colored glasses and thought
my/our love could overcome any obstacle. But he’s SO socially defunct that I don’t if it’s really
possible. He’s a deep and complicated well of issues. This just feels SO tragic. I feel as if I
can’t live with him or without. But on an up note, I HAVE seen changes in him. I have seen him
let go of his money a bit. He even went so far as to obtain a credit card to establish credit.
Mind you, credit cards are (or were?) a MAJOR no-no in his rigid financial belief system. So I
do see some progress... so???

But I think to start the process of whether or not we stick it out and work it through, that I need
to know if this *ideal* is such that will preclude us from having a relationship. Will he always
want this *ideal* or will he follow his heart? Does he really mean it when he said or may say
again, let’s just be friends??? Oh, and yes, he is very aware of his issues. He has a therapist,
he knows he’s subject to black and white thinking. He knows he loves me, but he has these
*issues* to get past. Can he??? Do OCPD’s have the ability to do this??? What can I do to
help? Anything??? Does it stand a chance?

The thought of walking away from him and hurting him hurts me to no end. I know he experiences a tremendous amount of inner conflict over his feelings for me and over what his OCPD brain is telling him he wants.The thought of staying only to be hurt by having this *ideal* shoved in my face again and again does not fill me with hope either. The uncertainty of a relationship with an OCPD is VERY difficult. VERY.

Any thoughts would be highly appreciated.

hisgirl