I've just realized tonight how much I miss Mike, my T. =( With the loss of my voices and Mike, I feel more alone than ever. Scared, lonely, sad....I feel excluded, but I don't know from what =( I still don't plan for the future, not sure how much of a future I have =/

The 'break' is still looming...larger today than before...good thing xmas is so close, then if I blow, no biggie really. I just want to be around for xmas, its a big deal to those in my family--and I want to be here for them. After that, I don't really care. =( I asked my husband if he would think less of me if I went back to the hospital, and he said if I needed it and it would help then No, he wouldn't think any less of me. I have this very strong urge to cry, but I don't know why...so I try not to =/ Besides crying for no reason seems so weak and cowardly...I know I am weak, but I dont want to be cowardly. Bleh, too late, the tears come of their own accord, %#@&#!. I want to cut, I want to burn, I want to bite until my jaw locks up. I hate me, so much.