Ended up chickening out

I know there are a lot of people in pain right now with their relationships with T (and I am usually one of them), so I'm sorry if this makes anyone feel worse. I just wanted to share...

I dont want to make this another thread about emails to T but this is what we were discussing tonight and I told him how I wish I could cope on my own and deal with my emotions better, and that I didnt want to have to need him as much as I do. I told him I was sure that with each and every email he gets more and more annoyed and burdened with me. He said he didnt and thinks I need to have that connection with him at the moment.

Anyway, I told him I dont understand how he cannot be annoyed/frustrated with me for being so needy etc. I wanted him to say "because XYZ" (I'm guessing it would have been something along the lines of "I want to support you etc"). Instead he asked me if I needed to understand why he doesnt feel annoyed with me. I REALLY wanted to say "yes", but I was so afraid that he would say something nice to me that I chickened out and said "I dont think it will make any difference because I wont believe what you say anyway". I didnt mean that at all, it would have made ALL the difference. So he didnt tell me why he is ok with my contact between sessions. I SO wish I could have been brave enough to let him tell me. Why couldnt I hear it from him? Maybe because I dont believe I am worthy of his support and care and time, and I hate when people are so nice to me because I know how bad I am inside. Truly, I am.

We have a plan for emails now- he has put a limit on me sending 2 emails a day (he did say that I could choose the limit, but I wanted him to set the boundary). I told him I cant believe how nice he is being about it and hoe he is ok with receiveing so many emails. Not that I will send that many but for once it feels nice to feel close to him again.