My T that visits me at home has been off sick for two months now (poor thing is very ill, I hope she is better soon), so I haven't been able to discuss stuff for a while now and its building up inside. I haven't journalled for a fortnight because, I dunno, because I can't/won't/blocked/whinging. Had a bit going on for the past couple of months. My other T concentrates on more nuts and bolts stuff like DBT work which I'm trying hard with. But I'm finding it harder to let words pass my lips about things I need to say. I feel the words in my throat, and then my stomach is there too and I feel like I'm going to throw up. So I say nothing, and keep my lunch. I'm feeling like such a fake at the mo. Mask on. Thicker than usual. Even hiding from myself?? Don't know who it is out front most these days...but not unfamiliar. Have co-con but no co-communication. I can see and hear but not communicate, impenetrable glass wall up. Spend a lot of time lately in my inside room behind my eyes kicking my shins, wanting mouth to stop verbal diarrhoea niceties, stop smiling/laughing, stop agreeing and organising stuff I want no part of. Feeling nauseous just writing, but still not saying anything!!! Going to bed. Hopefully will sleep. What I would give for a little sleepytime helper. Choosing our daughter instead, still breastfeeding. Its for such a short time, a dot in time, in the end. Meds can wait, haven't had any for years and years now and they didn't work back then anyway. Just would be nice to sleep nightmare free for one night, just drop off and wake up rested, lay my head on my pillow and feel safe, feel safe - just for one night. That would be nice.