Well now it has been over two weeks since I ended the relationship with my t. It has been well over two years and I just could not shake the transferance. I felt like t just wasn't caring about me anymore. That we had did what we could etc.... I sent a brief email about how I was aware of the fact that there wasn't a working alliance anymore. I told him to not return a reply with email. He respected that. I have not heard from hiim.

I am sad but I know that it is a relationship that has to end anyway. I haven't completely fallen apart but have came very close. I wish that those intense feelings that I felt for him could have been returned. Not in a romantic way. I know it comes from not getting any true parenting but he can not parent me and that is what I wanted it to become.

I feel a little tricked because it was like he wanted me to become attached to him. To rely on him. He was available in the beginning and then poof....it was gone. Early on when I would quit he would call or email and convince me to stay in therapy. He didn't do that this time. I know you are all going to say it is not t's job to convince me to stay.... but it is just an example of how so much has changed. At my last appointment we made a list of all the things t could do for me so I could shift my thinking from what I can't have. (my idea) We had a hard time coming up with ten things and it felt like he was filtering through a text book. (I told him that.)

The problem is that I have started a new DBT group at the same clinic and the number one rule is that you need to be in individual therapy at the same time. I am going to keep going until I am called out on it. I wonder how long I can stay in the group. I don't want to get in to another t relationship at all! I hope they don't bring it up. I am sure the skills leaders will figure it out because of their consultation team.

I feel so lost. I have had such an intense relationship with t. I don't have many relationships in my life and it is a huge loss for me. SAD!!!! I feel like I have lost so much. But I do feel free from the humilation and shame for wanting something more from t. That was terrible. It was like being rejected week after week. I had enough of that growing up.

What do I do now? Any support would be so kind. Thanks. KC