Hi again. Sorry i seem to be writing here all the time and not leaving much room for anyone else - sorry! mmm... anyway, don't really know why i'm writing here, guess it's nice to tell someone how i'm feeling and how the day has been. I'm slightly addicted to writing in my diary now so it's not just here that i'm going to the excess! Everytime i have a thought or feeling i need to write it down - in case i forget it - probably not the best thing to do but at least it gets it out of my head and allows me to deal with the next lot of stuff. It's funny i've been feeling good and feeling down alot recently (it's not bipolar - i don't feel that good!!). The night before last i cried myself to sleep again, i felt so bad, like a reject but it finally allowed me to succinctly summarise my life. Like an uphill climb of Mount Everest. Sometimes i can see the top but at others i'm too busy fighting my way up to notice anything at all. Stupid isn't it!
Today i feel fine again - i've made a plan. Everytime i feel lonely i'm going to call someone up (even if they dont help me) and everytime i don't feel like going out i'm going to force myself to do one small thing. I'm going to try and take control for once. However, i know this isn't going to be easy because i sometimes hate having to go out, it's just so easy to sit at home, it's always the same and comfortable. Do you like my plan? I'm quite pleased especially if it helps me not feel so bad sometimes and as if i have no life. Plus it might take my mind of things, stop me over-analysing!
About that clinical psychologist thing, my sister has gratuated from Oxford in psychology n wants to be one of these. I have thought about telling her what i feel like sometimes, but i'm scared of the reaction, especially when she can't really help me that much. Plus she might force me to divulge too much n i would feel as if i was being watched all the time. Mmmmm, don't know, might try "my plan" first.
Oh, by the way found this great quote that summerises my life perfectly and might be nice for some of you too(?)

"This time it's over, I'm keeping my heart ,I'm gonna be strong & not fall apart .. It'll get better, I'll no longer cry.. In a couple of weeks, I wont want 2 die, I won't want 2 go back, I'll be able 2 sleep, It won't hurt so bad, & it won't feel so deep."

Good isn't? I've put it on my wall - encourages me and reminds me.
Good Luck. Lots of love Abby.