I am sad but I know that it is a relationship that has to end anyway.

The fear of abandonment! That fear is huge, and I think you are trying to run away from those feelings. It’s a normal response, but it is not in your best interest to do so if you want to become a whole and peaceful person. For that, you need to get rid of the influences from your past – the fear of abandonment!

I haven't completely fallen apart but have came very close. I wish that those intense feelings that I felt for him could have been returned. Not in a romantic way. I know it comes from not getting any true parenting but he can not parent me and that is what I wanted it to become.

No, he can not parenting you but he can help you and be there for you when you are feeling those emotions, when you’re re- experiencing the feelings from the past so you can get them out of “your system”. And it takes time, a lot of time.

I feel a little tricked because it was like he wanted me to become attached to him. To rely on him.

Our relationships with our T´s cannot evoke something which is not already there. This is happening because of the attachment to your T and it is a positive thing, even if it doesn’t feel that way, especially not when you are in the middle of the transference - all sorts of fears, fantasies and longings. You CAN rely on him. He is still there for you if you want him to. Don’t forget - YOU abandoned him, not the other way around.

He was available in the beginning and then poof....it was gone. Early on when I would quit he would call or email and convince me to stay in therapy. He didn't do that this time. I know you are all going to say it is not t's job to convince me to stay.... but it is just an example of how so much has changed.

Maybe, because of your progress, he thinks it’s time for you take some responsibility for your own journey?

At my last appointment we made a list of all the things t could do for me so I could shift my thinking from what I can't have. (my idea) We had a hard time coming up with ten things and it felt like he was filtering through a text book. (I told him that.)

If you, because of you fear, unconsciously are looking for a way out, you’ll find one. I wanted to quit therapy every other weekend during a period of 12- 16 months – when I worked through both the negative and positive transferences. I constantly wanted to escape, both from myself and my T.

I feel so lost. I have had such an intense relationship with t.

And that is just AWESOME that you had such intensive relationship! Don’t destroy it out of fear. Go back and talk to him about all this. He will be so happy for you! Talking and talking and talking, and live through all those feelings, that’s therapy in a nutshell. Therapy is a very slow process and it often feels like that there is no end to it. But there is! But it is an extremely painful process.

I don't have many relationships in my life and it is a huge loss for me. SAD!!!! I feel like I have lost so much. But I do feel free from the humiliation and shame for wanting something more from t. That was terrible. It was like being rejected week after week. I had enough of that growing up.

This is soo good that you are aware of this feelings and that’s exactly what therapy is about, re- experiencing those feelings, work them through with your T. When therapy works, it feels just as when we grew up, thats why it is so hurtful. But those feelings have to come forth. It´s a part of the process.

What do I do now? Any support would be so kind. Thanks. KC

Kacey, it seems that you have such a good relationship with your T. Go back and talk to him. Give it one more chance. When I felt this way, somehow I always managed to go back for “just one more time”, and that one more time always led to something positive so I could continue. And so it goes…

Here I am, coming from almost nowhere and responding to your post. But it makes me sad to see you walk away and not knowing that your wanting to leave is a part of a very good therapeutic alliance. That’s why I jumped in. If you think I’m totally off, feel free to ignore my respond. Either way, I wish you the very best! Take care!