When I first read your post, I found myself unable to read it fully because of my starting to think "I hate me" in response to your comments.
Then I remembered that I had a post from you earlier concerning your family. I think it was a sister and her new baby. It sounded like you have revealed an lot of stuff. It sounded like you really struggled to post that story. I think that you may just need to recover some from what you have posted so far. Keep up the hard work. I hope you feel better soon. But, as I'm sure you know more than I do, it is hard when you are dealing with a hard thing like that. I hope you have someone in real life to talk to about all of this.